And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
