I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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