you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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