Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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