how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
