Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I am available for nakedness
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
