If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Vodka?
Forever.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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