at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
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