I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize