Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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