I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
