I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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