everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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