life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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