Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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