**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
