You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
