Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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