at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
