glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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