So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
