you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
