No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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