I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
