Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
