so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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