I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
