i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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