Tell her she can't have a vagina
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
