Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
