New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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