Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
