She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
