Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
