I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
