Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
