No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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