It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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