thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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