remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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