I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
