It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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