Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So many bounce houses so little time
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
