I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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