she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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