Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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