Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
