a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
