Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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