I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So vagazzling was a success
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize