I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize