I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
