Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
