I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize