My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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