I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
