Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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