i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
