i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize