Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
