The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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