haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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