apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You can't just leave with hair like that
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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