it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
